Did you read the recent report stating research shows stocks will go up if you hire a good looking CEO? They use the semi-new Yahoo CEO, Marissa Mayer, as an example. She received a high quality Wisconsin public education, she’s ambitious, brilliant, and hard working. Don’t be getting any silly ideas that any of those traits contributed to her success. It’s her silky hair and button nose that got her where she is today.
Here are some words right out of this report, “She (Marissa Mayer) scored 8.45 (out of 10) in our facial attractiveness index and is among the top 5 percent (best-looking) in our sample,” they wrote. “Yahoo has been doing well since she became the CEO (about 158 percent increase in stock price).
I wouldn’t have given her a 10 either. It looks like her eyelashes are kind of thin, and her neck is sorta skinny. That right there will cost you three quarters of a percentage point. Look it up. It’s in the manual.
Raise your hand if you think this report is depressing. I’m putting my hand back down now. It’hard to type. I think they certainly forgot to add some winky and/or smiley faces into this report. They need one right after the sentence that says Marissa scored an 8.45 on their facial attractiveness index. They need a smiley face there, so that we know they’re just kidding. We need the smiley face there to know they don’t think we’re really dumb enough to believe they used a math formula for this research: 2x + 3y = Marissa Mayer is cute.
Did you even know that a facial attractiveness index is a real thing? I didn’t. I wish I still didn’t. Apparently, Marissa is in the top 5% for best looking in their sample. You can’t refute that. Math is math. They divided this guy (Edward Johnson, CEO of Fidelity):
Into this guy:
(Jason Jiang, CEO of Digital Media Group)
Answer: Marissa Mayer = top 5%. What if we didn’t have math to figure this stuff out?
I don’t know what I find most depressing about this study. I have a list:
1. That they’re trying to quantify beauty.
2. That people are being judged by their appearance.
3. That this study is probably true.
Yep. It’s the last one I like the least. A non beautiful person has to prove their competence. A beautiful person has to prove their incompetence. I guess it’s human nature. As long as we’re talking about human nature, let me tell you what I know about it. I learned this morsel of wisdom from my grand pap, who learned it from his grand pap, who learned it from his grand pap. My grand pap took me on his knee. He said, “Wee lass, here is everything you need to know about human nature. It truly sucketh.” Ever since then, I haven’t trusted it.
Think about all the beautiful souls out there that have been poured into bodies that don’t work right, or are misshaped, or are malformed. I guess they have to prove that they’re worth as much as the souls that are poured into bodies that are pretty, work well and are shaped just right.
Now I’m sad. I don’t want to be sad. It’s hard to be positive when you’re sad. I think I’m going to have to salvage this whole thing by turning it into a teaching moment for my kids. I’m saying this:
1. Human Nature will have you judging people on their outer beauty. Fight it.
2. Wearing crocks and a flannel tucked into sweat pants to a job interview is a bad idea.
3. Make sure you eat your vegetables.
I’m not sure what’s really even happening here any more.