Well hello, kids. You’ve been awfully quiet, haven’t you? Bet you thought you could hide from me. Ya little rascal. You can’t, cause I’m not dead yet, and neither is my blog. I am here to celebrate our friendship with my bi-annual, or every 8 or 11 months or so without fail, maybe, if I remember to do it, blog. It’s just nice to know there are some things you can still count on, right?
My friend, Rebecca, told me she dusted off my old blogs recently and binge read them. Seriously. You think I’m making that up, but I’m not. She actually used the word “binge”.
Never. Never in my life did I ever think for a second it would be possible for me to create one thing in this world that was worth a binge of any kind. But, I’m here to report one person says it happened. I just thought maybe I shouldn’t keep Rebecca hanging. You know? I mean, how did my life turn out anyway?
I’m not going to say prison has been a breeze, but I’ve learned things here. It isn’t as bad as you might think. I lead a Jazzercize (spell check doesn’t even know what to do with this word from yesteryear) class, and of course…Bible Studies. Bloom where you’re planted, and all that.
Now you’re going to be disappointed; I made the prison part up. And Jazzercize. And Bible Studies. Well, actually there have been Bible Studies since we talked last. But, not with fellow inmates, unfortunately.
I was hoping to make things sound a little more exciting, so I could hold you here for a bit longer. After all, prison did seem to agree with Teresa Giudice of “Real Housewives”. She made it seem kind of fun. Like a retreat. So, I thought…
The real truth is, I’m just still here. Being me. And that’s the only news I’ve got. I’m sorry.
I guess a few things are new. Like, Menopause. Holy COW. I just dropped that bomb on my poor male friends who may have wandered here. I’m sorry to do it to you, bud. You can back away now if you want. This is a no judgement zone.
Frankly, I don’t get what all the secrecy is about. Laws of nature seem sort of impersonal to me, and nothing really worth keeping shrouded in mystery. And, definitely nothing to be embarrassed about. Are we embarrassed that the sun is shining? No. It’s sort of out of our control. So, why take it so personally? I think we can handle this conversation.
Humans will be human though, and we just act sort of dumb about some stuff. The other day I started to say something to Olivia about my current hormonal sitch, and that girl cut me off hard. See if I ever give birth to her again.
I’ll tell you instead.
The other night, I was sitting with a crowd at a very intense wrestling dual. More than half way through, I realize that I had rolled up my short sleeve t-shirt and I was frantically fanning myself with a program, while complaining about the idiot who thought it was funny to turn up the heat to 95 degrees in a crowded gym. Kid you not. Every single person within earshot turned to me and said they thought the gym was cold, actually. Well, people, “actually“, I didn’t ask for your input.
Then, I said, “well, I guess I’m so hot ’cause I’m nervous”. One of my BFF’s near by gave me that knowing look. Like, sure honey. If that’s your story, we’ll pretend to believe it.
So, I’m getting older. That’s what’s new. Are you happy?
Never one to believe I’m not capable of solving everyone’s health issues, I did a little research. Here’s the good news about Menopause. Wait. Forget it. There is no good news. Seriously. NOT ONE GOOD THING. I read through the list of symptoms: weight gain, lack of sleep, hot flashes, night sweats, crabbiness. Excellent, I guess you get to this next stage of life, more than half way through, full of wisdom from hard work and hardship, and life says, “Here you go. Congratulations on arriving here. Enjoy this bag of turds.” Superb. I’m delighted.
I read all that and called out to our Lord, “Dear Jesus, can you please explain?” To date, Jesus has not returned my call.
The moral of the story here, sister (and whatever brother was brave enough to stay), if God saw fit to create this natural process for woman to age, then I see fit NOT to suffer quietly. I won’t do it.
Other things are new too. Like, new things I’m learning. I take it back about there being NOTHING good about getting older. I think you do get a little smarter. But, still, it’s not like we couldn’t get smarter without sitting in a 130 degree Sauna 24/7. It all seems so unnecessary.
But, as much as you’d like to drag all this lady stuff out, we’ll have to talk more later. I’d like to end this commemorative, once every 8 or 11 month blog with something positive, and bit less about my personal life. Do you mind? Frankly, you’re a little nosy.
With age comes wisdom. I’m about to end my 45th year (Make a note. Send a gift.) Here are a few random bits I grabbed along the way:
- This is something sweet. Getting older is AWESOME; when you are irritated you quickly get over it, because you cannot remember what irritated you.
- Despite my GenX instincts, I realized my parental duties do not include protecting my kids from every disappointment.
- My parent duties do include comforting my kids when they’re disappointed.
- Sometimes we make our problems infinitely worse by talking about them (Except menopause. That stuff is a must discuss type of situation. ) There is a big difference between problem solving and complaining/exacerbating.
- There are a lot of creepy men in the world. Most women have secret radar that give off creep signals with barely a word being spoken.
- It’s hard to believe there are so many creepy men out there, because I’ve hardly known any in my life. Maybe that’s because my radar is working. Once I’m alerted, I change course.
- People who talk the most and the loudest can be wildly influential and inaccurate.
- Dogs make life better.
I’m just going to cut myself off right there, because as your Sensei, I believe you have much to learn, and you must not learn it all at once.
Namaste and Merry Christmas.
Look at the olden days. Before women could blog about the sun, moon, stars and menopause. What a crock.