I saw something on Facebook yesterday that probably changed me: a horrifying story about child abuse, and an overwhelmed system that failed a child miserably. That child no longer exists here.
I was awake most of the night. Anxiety had flipped my adrenal switch to overdrive. What I saw during the day replayed on a loop in my brain…over, and over, and over again. Big whoop! I lost a night’s sleep because I was traumatized by something I saw. What about the people who live it? What about them? How do they sleep?
I couldn’t sleep, because I saw something that forced me to reckon with the reality of evil. It exists in the world. What about the tender little ones who know evil exists, because they live with it. It is sitting in the next room?
As I was considering the fragile state of my own sanity, it occurred to me how improbable it would be to survive abuse with any optimism.
I’m not the type who thinks God will let me in on why bad things happen. I’ve never claimed to have an answer for this.
I just keep praying.
I will say, there is something about being face to face with what could only be the Devil to make me run the other direction. There is no reasonable, earthly explanation for some of the atrocities that are taking place somewhere in the world at this moment. It’s a supernatural darkness. I’m clinging to my belief that there’s an opposite. No. There’s a MORE POWERFUL, supernatural force for good at work as well. It is only a happy life that lulls me into a comfortable state of apathy, causing me to forget these deep truths.
Scott and I talked about all this for a long time last night. He said I could tell him what I saw. As I spoke, I saw Scott’s body hunch over, and he bowed his head.
It’s the weight of it.
We talked about what we could possibly do about the problem of evil. We came up with some ideas. Ideas that will take some courage.
Right now, what I am doing is something that doesn’t take courage. I’m filling my mind with sweet stories. I’ve clicked on all the cute pets and kids I could find when I woke up. Sometimes you have to hit “reload”, and fill up with positive images. I need reassurance. There really are kind and good people in the world. People who understand that the mere existence of children and pets is a miracle.
Well…isn’t this a happy start to Mother’s Day? No need to thank me. I’m just a regular walking greeting card.
I’m sorry. Because, I’m not even done. Even before I had a bad day, I was thinking of some other sad stuff. I was thinking about Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is happy. Except when it’s not:
You can’t be a Mom
You lost your Mom
You’ve got crap for a Mom
You’ve got crap for kids
You’re crap as a Mom
I mean. This stuff happens. All the time. And, I’ve just been thinking about how my good intentions to publically celebrate motherhood, could possibly be the equivalent of pitching salt in a sister’s wounds.
And, yet. Motherhood should be celebrated. It’s super hard work, and possibly the most impactful role some of us we’ll have on Earth. Life is short. The time to celebrate is now.
And, that’s the sum of it. These are my thoughts on life today. Wish I could tie it up neatly for ya. Mostly questions, a few answers. Joy and sorrow. Pain and wisdom. Cowardice and courage. That is life.
My Mother’s Day Wish:
May you feel love and peace this Mother’s day. May the God I believe holds the Universe bless you with wisdom and purpose. May the mother in us all see the ones who need our protection. May we have the courage to offer it, and may God protect us all.