It’s early Saturday morning. Everyone is sleeping. Except me. These moments are my favorite. Everyone safe and sound, within arm’s reach. Everyone has their sweet yaps closed, and their precious feet still, and unable to undo anything I just did. I love them all so.
I told you yesterday that I have been too busy to blog. So, this is what you get for that. It’s raining blogs now.
My brain is an interesting thing. When I cannot find time to write, it does not mean that all those random thoughts disappeared. It means those thoughts are dammed up. Caught in a tangled pile that is mounting higher and higher somewhere in the space behind my eyeballs and the back of my skull. I have to do something to relieve the pressure. Some of those thoughts have to get out.
I thought you should know why I’m rapid fire blogging yesterday, and today. Especially if you’re nice enough to be reading here. I owe both of you a thanks for that.
Is your Facebook feed filled with graduation? Eddie technically should be graduating this year. So our friends’ children are at that age. These graduate parents are so brave. I don’t know how they’re managing. These pictures of these kids with caps and gowns, pretending to be moving towards adulthood, when I know for sure they were JUST in kindergarten, are killin’ me. It’s so, so bittersweet. I haven’t seen any pictures of a moms with red, puffy eyes and tears streaming down her face. See? Brave.
How many times were we told as young parents how fast things go? I thought I heard these prophesies. I heard. I just didn’t understand.
We can’t control time. I really hate that.
In our storage cleaning we found some pictures I had forgotten about. I immediately went out and bought frames for these pictures; I didn’t want to lose the pictures again, or spill Gatorade on them, or sit on them, or accidentally rip them in half. These are things that happen a lot in my life.
These pictures are priceless. I’m not using the world loosely either. I promise. I mean priceless, like there is not a price you could even think of to pry these pictures from my possession. Not that you’d want them, but you get the point.
The pictures are of the last summer before my nephew, Ryan, died. We went go-karting with him. There’s even more to the pictures than that though. I would guess whoever in my family was with us remembers this scene.
Eddie was always undersized for his age. Mostly, it didn’t bother him, but sometimes it did. Especially, when he was supposed to be a certain height to ride a scary roller coaster, or a go kart. Eddie had more than enough courage to take on the scary rides when he was aged two. It just took Eddie’s body a bit longer than normal to catch up to his heart.
This go karting thing came along about the time Eddie’s health was creating an even rougher patch for him than usual. Back when we were trying to figure out how to get Eddie excited about living a life we knew was so much different than the one he wanted.
Eddie was feeling pretty healthy on this go karting night; he couldn’t wait to race his cousins. When we got to the track, we learned Eddie wasn’t tall enough to ride on his own. Definitely old enough. Just not tall enough.
Eddie was SO sad. I mean, like REALLY sad, and it showed. He cried. None of us were used to seeing Eddie cry. I couldn’t remember the last time it happened. Eddie thought he was just crying about the go karts. I knew it was more. Aw, Eddie. If I could make life fair for you, I totally would.
I remember my family all just feeling so, so badly for Eddie. And, that’s how family helps when you’re sad. We were all wishing we’d never thought of the stupid go karting idea. I wanted to take Eddie’s sadness away. I kept saying things that I hoped would help. Sometimes there is not one thing a mom can say to make it all better.
Ryan found Eddie. He told Eddie that riding together in the go karts was twice as much fun as going on your own. Especially when the two of them together would smoke their aunts and uncles. I don’t know exactly what else Ryan said. I only know that Eddie started smiling again. Eddie and Ryan rode together, and the picture tells the rest of the story. We really, really loved Ryan. We still love Ryan.
I hope all my friends with graduates take a crap ton of pictures. We have to try to record these priceless moments. I can’t believe how quickly they go.
That’s all the sentiment I have in me today. The other thing I need to hash over with you is Scott and Reggie. I’ve been a little worried about them. Reggie hasn’t worked his way into Scott’s heart like he has the rest of the family. I don’t know if it’s because Reggie thinks he’s my boyfriend (stalker), or because of Reggie’s relentless barking and shedding, but Scott just does not look at Reggie with the soft eyes the rest of us do.
One thing Scott seems offended by is Reggie’s intelligence. The other day, Reggie was barking at a moving leaf outside of our front window. We told Reggie to stop. Reggie kept barking. Scott looked at me with frustration. He said, “There’s no reasoning with Reggie.”
I said, “That’s completely true. Reggie is a dog.”
Scott would like to say to Reggie, “Hey bud, that’s just a leaf you’re barking at there. A leaf won’t do our family any harm. No need to set off the alarm bells. Why don’t you save all the excitement for intruders. What do ya think?”
Scott wants Reggie to respond with, “You’re right, man. I don’t know what I was thinking. Sometimes I just get a little out of my head, and over protective of you guys. It’s only because I love you. You know that, right?”
Then, they hug it out.
Reggie isn’t like that though.
Credit to Scott. Scott actually IS smart. Scott has recently made it his mission to make Reggie behave better. We all think it might even be working. Last night, Reggie was doing something he shouldn’t, and Scott told him, “No!”. Reggie listened. Then, Scott rewarded Reggie with a carrot.
I complimented Scott on his efforts. I told him we all think it’s paying off. Scott explained that he just had to learn what motivates Reggie. Food. That’s it. That’s all Reggie wants.
Scott told me that he really wished Reggie wanted to be good for the sake of being good, but he just didn’t get the feeling that was who Reggie is. I told Scott I just hoped he could forgive Reggie for his selfishness; despite Reggie’s underdeveloped conscience, I had high hopes he could still go on in life to do good things. I don’t know if Scott believes me.