I don’t know what I expected when I blogged that we were pregnant. I’ve told you before I have an ever steady compulsion to write. I don’t ever remember a time in my life without it. Blogging is a beautiful invention for people like me. Sometimes I forget that some people are actually reading the words I write. I’m not sure how I ever got lucky enough for that to happen.
When I posted the shocking news, I did not know that people’s responses would actually lift me up and set me down in a better place than I was before. People responded with encouraging and relevant stories that gave me hope and faith that we can do this thing. If people did not have good things to say, they kept it to themselves. I’m thankful for that too.
I don’t plan to make every blog about all of this pregnancy stuff. But, it seems like my previous post begs a follow up. Some people asked me some questions. Like, “Remember when you were deathly ill with the last three pregnancies? What about that?”
I am sick. But, I think I’m not as sick as I was when I was young, and if you want to know the honest truth, I think I might be a little tougher than I was then too. I felt horrible this year during State Wrestling, but what were my options? Staying home?
I have a pretty good memory, and that doesn’t always help me. One of the reasons I was never anxious to get pregnant again was because of the mind blowing nausea and vomiting that always were part of the package for me. When I was pregnant with Olivia, I remember standing over the toilet vomiting while Zeke had himself wrapped around my leg and Eddie simultaneously asked me to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That’s how young moms suffer.
Maybe things don’t seem so bad now because I have the luxury of being sick in private.
I’ve had a lot of people tell me not to be afraid. They say I am smarter in my 40’s, and I’ve learned things I didn’t know when I was in my 20’s. This is already turning out to be true. The other reason I think I am not having to be put on IV’s like I was with Olivia is because I’m drinking tons and tons of water, I have better eating habits, and I’m doing weekly acupuncture. I didn’t even know acupuncture existed in the olden days. These are just some of the things I’m grateful to have learned. I’m also grateful that even though I feel nauseous and not right all day, it isn’t debilitating. I can go to work, grocery shop and make supper. I just have to be patient, and some day I’ll be me again.
The ever present nausea is playing tricks on me. I keep thinking that weird things are making me sick. Like Facebook, blogging, shopping for maternity clothes and listening to people say the word “baby”. Hmmm…I might need to see a psychologist.
I’m going to grit my teeth for a moment and endure how sick I feel when I tell you about maternity clothes. I’ve tried to find a couple of things; my selection of work clothes that fit is quickly disappearing.
I.AM.NOT.KIDDING.YOU. Cheap fabric t-shirts with, “baby on board” written on the front, seriously make me want to vomit right there on the store’s floor. I honestly had to leave Kohl’s the other day before I tried anything on there. I will wear a bed sheet to work before I will put on one of the scratchy, polyester lace maternity shirts I saw at Kohl’s. I know. I’m vain, but I just can’t do it. I can’t be the only one who gets sick from this stuff, right?
The other subject some people have gently addressed is postpartum depression. You may remember that I blogged about how after Olivia I had a wicked bout. I know I have also mentioned that in all my reading on the subject, I learned that one of the best ways to avoid postpartum depression is to plan for it. See. When I had Olivia, my vocabulary did not include the words postpartum depression. Anyone I knew who HAD experienced depression, didn’t share their story with me. Which, really, is a shame. I think people tell it like it is more often in this day and age; I’m a fan of that. Let’s not pretend. It takes too much energy.
I spent four months in a downward spiral before I acknowledged that I had a serious problem after giving birth to Olivia. There may have been literally a hundred warning signs I ignored before I hit the crisis point. Do you get what I’m saying? I don’t know if I can avoid that depression monster, but knowledge is power. I don’t have a young body, but I do have some knowledge. I plan to use it.
I have had a few days where I feel closer to normal and my whole outlook changes. I feel optimistic and ambitions about this awesome new adventure. That’s where I’m headed. I just have to keep my head down until I’m all the way there.
If you were one of the many people who took a moment to share a kind word with me, I want to sincerely thank you from the depths of my heart. God used you in my life to help me find some courage. I really, really, hope I can do the same for you some day.
I was going to leave you with a picture of me as a young mom. I found this one instead. It’s a picture of Scott, just after playing airplane with Zeke. Zeke thanked him by puking all over his face. More good times ahead, Scott.