I know. That’s a lot of things. I was trying to think about how to commemorate another year on this Earth. What I thought of was a really, really big surprise party. I mean, I’m simple. So, not a formal black tie thing. Just a couple hundred people (or so) waiting to surprise me at a fine restaurant. Special people from throughout my 43-years will be there to offer their kind tributes and special memories. We’ll have a table set up for gifts and money. A really big table.
I tried organizing this thing, but it’s weird. No one was calling me back. I have a sneaky suspicion they’re organizing this whole thing without me. They probably don’t want me to lift a finger. I get it.
I keep spying on Scott when he’s on the phone, to see if I can catch him in the act of making plans for my party. He’s so good. He always makes it seem like he’s talking to his assistant coach about wrestling. He’s very convincing.
While I’m waiting for the gala to get off the ground, I thought I’d make a list of 43 things I’ve learned during my 43 years on Earth. If you don’t have time to read the list now, don’t worry. I’ll read them out loud for everyone at my surprise party. You’re invited…to organize it.
43 Things I’ve Learned:
1. Keep your expectations for birthday’s and other holidays low. Then, you’ll be happy with whatever you get. I always do this.
2. Beans make you toot. (I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m scared I won’t be able to think of 43 things. I thought I’d start with the basics.)
3. Exercise helps almost everything.
4. So does a positive attitude.
5. Exercise outside whenever possible.
6. Being outside helps when you’re sad.
7. If you’re sad all the time, something is wrong. Address it.
8. People who know you shouldn’t have to worry about what kind of mood you’re in. Be predictably pleasant.
9. Happiness = gratitude
10. Gratitude = liking the way God made you, and what you have already.
11. Don’t be hard to please.
12. If you’re thinking a kind thought about someone, tell them.
13. If you’re not thinking kind thoughts, ask yourself why.
14. Hear people.
15. Don’t interrupt.
16. Always bring more than your fair share.
17. The only right place to brag is on your resume.
18. Be curious. Try new things.
19. Figure out what comes naturally to you, what you’re passionate about. Embrace it.
20. People want you to listen and care. They rarely need your advice.
21. Root for other people.
22. If you don’t like Doctors and taking medicine, eat real food. Don’t eat more than you need. You don’t need as much as you think.
23. Don’t spend more money than you make.
24. Be organized. If it’s hard for you, you can teach yourself how to do it. Pinterest.
25. Work hard.
26. Being nice isn’t the same thing as telling people what they want to hear.
27. Be quick to forgive. Don’t hold grudges, especially against yourself.
28. Say you’re sorry.
29. You know you’re with good friends when it feels effortless.
30. Read. A lot.
31. Look your best.
32. You can’t look your best with no effort.
33. Don’t be easily offended. If things bother you a lot, that’s not things, that’s you.
34. The more you talk about religion and politics, the less likely people will be to listen to you.
35. Don’t say mean things.
36. Don’t believe mean things you hear.
37. Some people will never like you. Like them anyway, and let them go.
38. Figure out what you believe.
39. Little kids and pets. The best stuff life has to offer.
40. Laugh every chance you get.
41. Wearing fancy name brands for others to see. Joke’s on you.
42. Quality over quantity.
43. Beans really do make you toot.
This is my list. I doubt these things have ever been said before. I know what you’re thinking. It’s like you just heard from a modern day Socrates. I’m not trying to be a control freak about this surprise party, but you might want to think about mentioning the Socrates thing in your tribute. Just a suggestion. But, really, do what you want. Remember? I’m not hard to please.
P.S. I asked Zeke and Scott to listen to my blog as their Birthday gift to me. I’m not sure those two guys even know I write a blog. Well, they listened, and they gave this post the thumbs up. Almost. Scott said he had some slight reservations. He said he really just doesn’t think beans do make you toot.
Then, he wanted clarification. Scott said, “I mean, are we talking green beans, black beans, what kind of beans? Because, I’m not sure you can just simply say beans make you toot. How do you know they do for sure?”
P.P.S. I’m not going to read Scott any more of my blogs.
P.P.P.S. Zeke didn’t like #31. He thought it was weird that I said looking your best was something I would say I learned. That IS weird, because mostly I’ve told my kids it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
I told Zeke that I thought looking your best gives you a psychological advantage. And, I told him it’s good for a marriage to…
“Stop, Mom. I don’t want to hear another word.” Zeke interrupted me.
P.P.P.P.S. I didn’t enjoy reading the list to those guys as much as I thought I would.
Your visits here helped make my 43rd year AWESOME! That’s your gift to me, and I want you to know I’m grateful! Here’s to 43 more great ones, and to staying the heck away from beans. Tooting jokes always kill.