I think it’s high time we talked about tires. I’ve been neglecting this subject for far too long. It’s almost as if I can hear readers asking, “How long must we wait? When can we talk tires?”
I hear you. And, I’m answering your call.
Snow tires. Crazy, right? Crazy good. I thought I needed a new car, because for the last two years, any time there was more than three flakes of snow, my car would handle as well as if it were on a banana peel highway.
Right here is where I need to make an important announcement: Banana peel jokes are classic. They never fail to kill me. My high school friends and I used to make jokes about leaving banana peels on the floor of the school’s hallway. We always wanted to do that, and then sit back and watch all the people try to catch their balance, and fall. We laughed so hard at this plan. Mainly, because does anyone really know if banana peels are slippery? And, if you walk across a banana peel, will your feet slip out from under you like you’re on a slippery patch of ice. Because that’s what happens in cartoons, and I don’t think they’d make that stuff up. I think you should try it, and then let me know. I’m almost 43, and that’s still funny.
But, those are just my thoughts on banana peels, and that’s not what you came here for, is it? You were hoping for more of my auto mechanical expertise. I will deliver. I bought these four beautiful snow tires. Snow tires are expensive, which is the main reason I’ve never had them before.
Wisconsin had its first of what I’m sure will be the next 600 snow storms this winter (except it’s still fall, technically). When I heard the weather report, I felt my usual weather related anxiety start to percolate. I’m not a very brave bad weather driver. I did feel a little curious about whether the the snow tires would work.
I could tell immediately. Anyone who has a fuel efficient vehicle like mine, a vehicle that weighs as much as a lady bug, needs snow tires. I’m telling you now. These things are beautiful. Maybe my favorite purchase ever. After driving a while, and gaining confidence with these things, I just started getting cocky. I started thinking there was a pretty good chance other drivers were noticing how easily I stopped and started in the snow, and some jealousy was happening.
I got a little mean, and started rubbing it in to the other drivers. I’d speed faster than normal to a stop sign, and then I stopped hard. No slipping. I’d look at the other drivers, and shrug my shoulders, smile and wave. Like, you know, what are ya gonna do? Blessed.
I used to be jealous of semi drivers on the highway with their big, fat heavy, show offy tires. Braggers. Now, I speed by those semis, and use my little tin can on wheels to kick up snow in their windshield. Pay backs stink, right?
I’m lying again. And, if you’ve ever seen me drive in the snow, you’d know it. You thought your Grandma was cautious. Drive with me some time. Grandma will look like a race car driver. Not even snow tires will make me take chances.
That’s my review on snow tires. The other thing I’m thinking about is dating my husband. I was in the Doctor’s office the other day, and by Doctor’s office, I mean, getting a manicure. (It’s just for the holidays. I promise. People are starving in this world, so I don’t know WHY I am getting a manicure. I just prefer to lie about it for now).
So, AT the Doctor’s office, where I was having a pretty serious medical procedure, there was a talk show playing on TV. The subject of the show was, “Dating your Husband”. There was this cute couple being interviewed. The couple had been married for 14-years. The wife was crying, because she thought her husband took her for granted. She said she missed the days when he pursued her with romance. The husband was really sweet. He explained that between their children and his career, he just felt tired. He said he really loved his wife, but didn’t know how to bring back the magic.
Do you realize how AWESOME daytime TV is? I forgot. All of us day time workers are being TOTALLY robbed. I’m telling you that right now, amazing things happen when you get to watch daytime TV.
So, this husband was on this show, because he wanted to woo his wife. I was excited to watch more. If the Doctor wouldn’t have been filing my nails, I would have taken notes. I thought I could tell Scott about whatever I learned, and then maybe he would want to woo me.
The first thing this man did was send his wife a giant box with a bow. The wife opened the box and the box was filled with Monarch butterflies. Which, of course, didn’t just sit there. The Monarchs all started flying out of the box. There was a note in the box that said something beautiful about the magic of flying butterflies and the couple’s love.
What do you think?
Frightening. That is what I thought. I think if a herd of monarchs came flying at me, that would be kind of an emergency in my book. The kind of emergency where I run away screaming. Plus, right away I was wondering if this whole butterflies in a box thing was in the butterflies best interest. Do butterflies want to be in a box, and now flying around your house? Is that their natural habitat? Seems a little selfish to use butterflies as a love note.
That’s the part of the story where I realized I’m not very good at romance. I prefer the type of romance that makes sense.
Beneath the Monarchs is a lovely green dress the husband has chosen for his wife. And, again, I’m ruining the fun for this couple, because I’m thinking husbands picking out clothes for their wives sounds like a disaster to me.
The last time Scott bought me clothes was 25 years ago. Please do NOT ask him about this, because that guy can beat a dead horse. He still laments about how he spent hours (or was it days) looking for just the right sweater. He finally found it, and then spent a LOT of money on it (which I think is the part that makes him the most sorry) and then I never wore it. This story is so old, and been told so many times, I leave the room when it starts.
Scott tells this sad tale, and he always builds up to the part of his greatest offense. He says that after not wearing the sweater, I then ruined it with bleach. He says I did it on purpose. I’ll always deny it. Because, I didn’t. At least not consciously. Scott knows I ruin tons of things in the laundry. It’s just that the sweater kinda looked like a team uniform. Which I would guess now is exactly why Scott liked it. He wanted me on his team. And, again, I’m not good at romance.
After the dress giving from this romantic husband, there was a picnic in a theater, and then a boat ride where the couple (of course) reenacted the famous scene from “The Titanic”. After that, the husband got down on one knee and asked his wife to marry him…again. A big fat, shiny ring was involved, as if we thought there wouldn’t be. The husband had then arranged for the ship’s captain to conduct a vow renewal ceremony, where these two crazy kids professed their love to each other. There were lots of tears, and lots of loud-smacking, cringe-worthy kissing scenes. I don’t need to see that.
What do you think? Do you love it?
I thought I would love it, but this thing made me miserable. I thought this show would teach me about how husbands bring popcorn and a movie home for their wives on a Friday night. Or, how they go get milk so their wives don’t have to do it on the way home from work. Or, how a husband will start the car, and scrape the windshield of their wive’s car in the early morning.
That’s not what I learned.
Now, none of that stuff will even make me happy. Not now that I know there are wives out there prancing in fields of Monarchs, to the delight of their husbands. Wives who are hanging off the front of boats with their arms spread wide, as their husbands hold them, and romantic music plays. Wives who are being surprised with big shiny rings, and romantic, surprise proposals.
All I was hoping for was a crappy gallon of milk.
Maybe daytime TV isn’t as helpful as I thought.