Our Famous Poop Argument

Have you ever had a dumb argument with your spouse?   Most of the arguments I’ve had with Scott are highly intellectual.  We fight over the state of the economy, Communism, Calvinism.  And, sometimes we fight over poop.

I’m not actually telling you the truth about those intellectual arguments.  We actually don’t have those.  I hoped to make us sound a little smarter.  I bet you saw through that. The poop argument is real though.  That argument went on for years.

When the kids were much younger they loved to play in this big tree in our yard.  I know that tree holds a lot of good memories for our kids.  Like the time their dad tied a rope swing to one of the tree’s thick branches.  Oh, what fun they had.  And, like the time Eddie fell out of the tree. I was weeding near by, and I actually felt the ground vibrate as Eddie’s body smashed into the Earth.  His lips were purple, and I think he went into shock. I started running in circles, trying to remember what a parent does in an emergency. Sweet, precious memories.

One day, I was out by this tree and I found a mound of  sticky, soft brownish-black goo piled in the center of the lower branches. Right where the children liked to perch.  I had no idea what I was looking at; it didn’t look good.  It looked offensive.  I spent quite a bit of time inspecting this goo.  I came to a conclusion.  Someone had climbed in our kids’ special tree and went poop.  We live fairly close to the high school, so I had no doubt it was some teenage hooligans up to no good.

I was really mad.  Our kids loved that tree.

When Scott came home from work I immediately told him to come look at the tree with me.  I told him I was so angry, and that teenagers these days were awful. Just awful.  I had no idea how he could stand to teach them.  I told Scott teenagers had pooped in our tree.

Scott followed me out to the tree.  He thought I was crazy.  He spent quite a bit of time looking at the pile of mush.  Then, he said that I was really losing it.  He said there was no way teenagers climbed in the tree and pooped in it.  That was completely ludicrous.  What could I be thinking to suggest something so absurd?  He said it was obvious.  A bear climbed up in that tree, and THAT is what pooped there.

I laughed at Scott for that.

I asked Scott when was the last time he saw a bear walking around town.  Then, I said, oh wait.  That’s right, I remember seeing a big brown bear checking out books at the library yesterday. Or, maybe it was the Panda Bear who’s always  at the park, hogging the swings. Fact: bears love living in town.  It’s just more convenient for them.

Sometimes Scott doesn’t think I have a good sense of humor.

We just couldn’t agree.  We argued about bear poop vs. human poop for a good long time.  Like, maybe a year.

Then, one day, one of the kids told us we were both wrong.  They said  that the pile of mush was actually a bunch of wet tar they had dug up from a nearby road project.  They admitted that they didn’t want to tell us before, because they thought they might get in trouble.  Now, they decided they’d rather get into  trouble than listen to our nonsensical arguments for one more minute of their short, precious lives.

So, we’re not arguing about poop any more.  But, still, don’t you think it’s just a little ridiculous to think that a bear would poop in our tree?  I mean, sometimes you just have to use your head.