My niece’s wedding was last weekend. She’s beautiful, but don’t tell her that. She doesn’t like hearing it. She found a fun, quiet, kind and intelligent boy to love. I just love celebrating people like that:
I love all my nieces and nephews, Scott’s side and mine. When they were babies and toddlers, it was easy to love them. They were so cute and funny. What I didn’t realize then was how my love for them would grow as they grew.
I have had one nephew and two nieces get married in the last several years. My newly married nieces are sisters. They share a sisterly love that I recognize well. They are tightly bonded, but are very different.
Both my nieces are kind and humble. My older niece is articulate, outgoing and funny in the most clever way I’ve ever known. The entire family counts on her to keep us entertained. She gushes her affection on us all.
Her younger sister who was married this past weekend, is gentle, soft-spoken, musically gifted, reserved and strong: physically strong, but emotionally strong too. These two love each other:
For this wedding, I did something truly a.ma.zing. I bought my niece and her new husband a gift off their bridal registry at Target. I wrapped it, and attached a real wedding card:
I don’t wanna brag, but I did all that the day BEFORE the wedding. Not the day of. Just to be clear. This marks the first time EVER that I have brought a real wedding gift to a wedding. Every other wedding we have attended, I could be found cutting a check to the bride and groom on the way from the wedding to the reception. Hopefully there is a Walgreens on the way to pick up a card. If not, a generic congratulations card from the gas station is a back up plan I have used.
People who bring real wedding gifts to weddings have always freaked me out. They freak me out with their awesomeness. I don’t know how they do it. That’s the kind of stuff that just seems impossible to me. One time my sister-in-law framed the sheet music of our cousin’s wedding song, and gave that to our cousin as a wedding gift. Now that’s just showing off.
I wanted to buy a gift, because I’ve been experimenting with being a grown up. Grown ups do grown up things, like buy gifts in advance. I also wanted to buy a gift, because I wanted to take advantage of my new 5% discount with my debit card at Target.
I told my Facebook friends that I was in a standoff with Target for a long time over the debit card. I literally had the same guy check me out three times in a row. I’m sorry to be unkind, but this guy looked like he could use some fresh air and exercise. He maybe was one of the guys who plays “Clash of Clans” instead of sleeping at night. Then he has to go to work, and he’s super crabby.
Over the course of three interactions with Mr. Clash of Clans, he made his opinion of me known. He told me that it was basic ignorance that prevented me from getting the Target debit card. He held me in disdain. That’s why I decided to never in my life get a Target debit card. I make the best decisions out of spite.
I stuck to my guns for a year or so. Then, a lady checked me out who spoke English as a second language. She looked like she was a mom, and she said in a very nice voice, “I think you like that card. It save you money.”
“Where do I sign?” I asked.
She seemed surprised that she talked me into it so quickly.
I have been so flippin’ busy at work lately. Craziness. Last week I was taking a nice woman on a tour of some rental properties. Before the tour I was cleaning my car. I saw a clipboard in the trunk. I decided to put the itinerary for the day on the clip board. SHABAM! Something insane happened. I instantly became more knowledgeable. Do you realize how much more credible you are when you carry a clipboard? You feel it. You instantly know things you didn’t know before you were holding a clipboard. People respect you. People ask you to help them with their problems.
I knew this was true about umbrella canes. I didn’t know about the clip board though. I told my Facebook friends a while back that the easiest way to gain respect is to use your umbrella as a cane when you walk about. You think I’m kidding? See for yourself:
I was thinking that I might get a clip board and an umbrella cane and go interview for a job as a Neurosurgeon or Chief Financial Officer. The interviewers will be like, “What qualifications do you have for this field of work?”
I’ll look down at my clipboard and then look back up. I’ll point my umbrella cane right at them, and I’ll say, “Do we really have time to waste on this trivial type of questioning? People are dying at this very moment. Of neuro problems. Let’s proceed.”
They’ll look at my clip board and umbrella cane and say to each other, ” Well, she obviously knows what she’s doing. I don’t think we should waste her time. ”
Then I’ll get the job.